Wednesday, 15 September 2010


This blog will no longer be updated.

If you care that much about my fashion views you can read them in Schön!

Other than that I suggest my other blog Opinionated !


Thursday, 3 June 2010

Stylists are Satan’s breed!

It has happened to me, it has happened to you, it has happened to all of us... you know what I’m talking about. That moment when you’re watching an award ceremony, not for the awards (no one really cares, you can read that tomorrow in papers and skip the boring thank you speeches) but for the red carpet outfits! One by one, celebrities, those semi – gods of beauty amble across the thick red carpet and make your eyes shrivel with envy! And then all of sudden one of them comes looking like a – well there is in fact no good word to describe that. Looking just plain ridiculous. And you can’t help but wonder – so, they have everything, they have personal chefs, personal trainers, hair stylists, facialists, drama coaches, art buyers, choreographers, voice coaches, make up artists, sales assistants, robot workers and who knows what else… so why do they look like that? You have an army of people around you, working just for you, working in your best interest and you show up for one of the most important occasions in year looking like a fashion roadkill!

Hosts of the ceremony will always ask them “Who are you wearing?”, and that is not a right question, the right question would be “Who is your stylist, and why is he still alive?”. I’ve seen some really beautiful women look like over-aged desperate housewives, and all because “My stylist told me that wearing dishwashing cloths was really in this season!”, woo hoo, good for him! But the guilt is not only on stylists, it’s also on a person who hires them, I mean, mirrors are not that expensive, if you can afford a stylist, I am sure you can also afford a mirror, so take a look at it before you leave the house. Listening to everything someone tells you is never a good idea.

It’s very Marie – Antoinette in fact! You see advisors have convinced her that she needs to change Court of Versailles for a more peaceful environment so she had them build her what is today known as Queen’s Hamlet – the irony being that the hamlet is only 10 minutes walk from the castle. Construction mafia, like fashion mafia seems to be around since – forever?! So I wonder do those stylists sometimes make mistake on purpose? Not suggesting anything, just wondering. Not that the title is suggestive either…

My point is, when someone, whose job is to make you look spectacular in every occasion, hide your imperfections and point out your assets, makes you look horrible they are either bad at what they do or just plain evil. I would rather be called mean any time, than bad at my job.

And let’s be honest, only a few people really have that Midas touch needed to turn every ugly Betty into Angelina Jolie. Stylists are supposed to be artists, much like designers, painters, poets… you need that something. I am sure that many “schools for stylists” (I am using quotation marks to express my wonder for these institutions and how come they are called schools) give you technique and teach you this or that, but show biz is not exactly a world of rules. One season they will wear flats, another wearing flats can be a celebrity social suicide. One season everyone wants long sleek hair, another it’s a Mohawk! So, when in showbiz, you need to know how to test the elasticity of the rules. Artists are born, not made, I am sorry.
But hey, don’t worry, most celebrities won’t even notice!

But I am indeed suggesting, that most stylists are just plain mean and not incompetent. They like to experiment (so do all artists), but the difference here is that stylists are more like doctors in this instance. When they experiment, they do it on real people, the realest people ever – celebrities, so we all get to see the results of the experiments. But you know, mix and match, mix and match and chances are 50% of the time you’ll come up with something good! And of course having a power to destroy celebrity with a single outfit must be God-like feeling. I am green with envy. And I think I should give it a try at this career!

Friday, 2 April 2010

Italian fashion? No, thank you, I'll have pasta

Once upon a time it was a thing of high class and high taste to have a piece of Italian fashion of your own. Just saying “it’s Italian” was enough to convince you it’s good. Today? Not so much. If you’ve ever been to Italy’s capital you know that it is a visual delight, in Rome, weather you want it or not, you binge on beauty. Italy has once been known for its refined and impeccable fashion style, no wonder that country of such splendour would produce astonishing mode. Nothing’s changed much in Rome, then how come Italian fashion has become so obsolete?
Italy used to have all those très big names that meant something, Versace, Armani, Gucci were all synonyms for style back in the nineties. Today you don’t wanna be caught alive wearing Versace. It would be a social suicide.
Biggest name of Italian fashion that moi can think of is Muccia Prada, Italian passport – check, but where does she stages her shows? In Paris.
There is also Gucci which is still worth something, Marni, Jil Sander (owned by Prada) and Bottega Veneta. Yet, even they are not all designed by Italians.

Italian fashion talent where art thou? Valentino retired (and is still orange I believe), which was a good decision (to retire, not to stay orange). Past are the days when he was designing for Jackie. He held his head up high for a long time, never quite got run over by time and new trends, he was always true to himself, and he left just in time to keep his fashion dignity.
Another orange one (what’s wrong with these Italians?!?) is Armani. He became cheap, not as in “inexpensive” but as in “cheap”, yeah, you get the point.
Versace unfortunately died and then his empire started sinking. It’s difficult to take Donatella and Allegra seriously. Just look at them. You wouldn’t have guessed from the things I’ve written in the past, but I am not fond of insulting people. It’s just that certain things need to be said. Donatella is a book sample of “plastic surgery gone wrong”, and I have never, ever seen Allegra with a smile. Plus, what no one dares to say (out of respect or something), they do look completely ridiculous. I am sorry, but they do. Thus I can not take them seriously as fashion authorities. And Donatella is also orange. Sunscreen people, sunscreen, ever heard of it? I wonder, with all those visits to tanning beds, do you also get a discount on skin cancer?

Domenico and Stefano have at some point realized that they will get much higher profits designing for pop culture kids than actually doing proper fashion. Their clothes is like the generation they design for (the fact that “the generation” reads as “degeneration” is completely accidental). It’s loud and entertaining, it’s out there, supposable it’s hip, it’s in, it’s trendy… it scares the hell out of me when I see those huge “D&G” logos on their clothes. We get it, it’s labelled, thank you. Domenico and Stefano spend more time on TV than they do in their studio. No wonder TV generation digs them.
And one last thorn in my heel… Cavalli. If we will ever have anyone to blame for endangering wild species, it’s Roberto. Sometimes I am not sure if the man’s colour blind or just making a big fat joke on all of us? There is no colour he hasn’t used (all at once preferably) and mixed and matched with animal prints. I never go to his catwalk shows, in fear of getting an epileptic seizure. No, seriously.
Those brave enough to wear him are rich Russians. Cavalli is a show off label. You know you’ll be noticed and it probably reminds them of their home made style. They just replaced polyester for silk, prints are still the same.

Italian high fashion has fallen low. It feels as if it’s being wiped off the fashion scene. They still produce a lot. There is an entire enviable middle class fashion industry. But I expect more from a country of Michelangelo and da Vinci. I don’t want average clothing, I can get that anywhere. I want magic.
I’m sure talent is there, but until someone takes off their magic wand and starts designing something remarkable, I will stick to French fashion and Italian pasta.

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Oscars 2010 – Worst dresses

I love Oscars! I absolutely do! I never ever watch the award ceremony though…
People get so worked up about it, this movie should have won; no the other one, no the other one… as if it really matters.
They will spend days arguing, and yet tastes differ, a lot… So do tastes in clothing.
I saw some really beautiful Oscar red carpet and after party dresses, but of course, I also saw some unforgivably bad ones.
So I decided to pick ten worst dresses of the 2010 Oscars. You may not agree with me, but that is entirely your problem.

The order is random, it’s not a top list, just a top ten in charts of bad taste.

1. Zoe Saldana – you know what this dress first reminded me when I saw it? Remember those sweaters from the nineties? They were in three colours like her skirt / dress ? They were even the same colour, kids from « Beverly Hills » were wearing them and girls from « Clueless »… which was my second association to this outfit… Zoe must be completely clueless.

2. Hilary Swank – Hilary is a very beautiful woman, I can’t imagine why would she make a mistake this bad… It just looks so… well, cheap… and uncomfortable too. Celebrities never learn… flesh flashing is tricky and more than often the results are neither classy nor fabulous.

3. Vera Farmiga – WTF?! was indeed my first reaction to this dress. I mean, a wave here, a wave there and she completely drowned in this fuchsia storm of ugliness. This was just plain stupid. I’ll buy them mirrors if they can’t afford them. Do not always listen to your stylists, they don’t care, it’s your reputation they are ruining, listen to your common sense next time. Do not wear things that are obviously just plain ridiculous.

4. Salma Hayek – Salma decided that tribal outfit is a way to go. Is that something from her native country or she was actually expecting Avatar to win the Best Picture? I mean nomination alone was already too much, but I am getting off the subject here…

5. Sarah Jessica Parker – Et tu Sarah? I’ve always found her NYC chic style very appealing, so I was quite disappointed with a “sac ‘o potatoes” dress… It’s not too bad, there are worse, it’s just that I expect more from her. The only thing is, I wonder, how come all those incredibly smart journalists still haven’t published any “Is S. J. P. hiding a baby bump under that dress?!” kind of articles…well, whatchawaitingfor?

6. Nicole Richie – Nicole is simply too short to wear these kind of maxi dresses. Life sucks, I know… And the colours are all wrong for her, she looks sick, brighten up kiddo. Elegant – she is, but something just doesn’t feel right, she looks like she’s wearing a smoke curtain.

7. Jennifer Lopez – from a certain distance J. Lo’s dress looks as if it were made out of bubble wrapper. Was it? I have a thing for bubble wrappers, like all psychotic and neurotic people. Oh, yeah, I was talking about J. Lo, well, I just didn’t like it, the whole futuristic Disney Princess bubble wrapper thing didn’t work for me. Her after party dress was even worse.

8. Diane Kruger – Kentucky fried chick, isn’t she? Gosh, I can’t believe that hen costume is actually Chanel. Take that Coco.

9. Charlize Theron – I absolutely love Charlize and her style… and the fact that she is Galliano’s muse, him being the only God I believe in, and this dress isn’t hideous, it’s just that these strategically positioned rosebuds make it a bit ridiculous. The rest is beautiful.

10. Kate Winslet – jeeez Kate? I know she never had any taste, but this is weird. It took me a while to understand whether it’s a dress or a costume or what. I don’t like the colour, makes you look sick. And I find it a bit too serious for an absurd ceremony like Oscars.

Honourable mention – Marisa Tomei – a perfect example of how a nice looking woman can turn herself into an odd looking woman by putting on a drag queen show dress, go Marisa!

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Valentine’s fashion! Say what again?

Deleting spam in my inbox I accidentally clicked on one of the messages and – boom!!! No, it wasn’t some kind of nasty virus… it was worse – Valentine’s fashion ad!
Let me put it this way… roses of red, violets blue… something, something, it’s Valentine’s Day and you have nothing to wear?!?
What? Valentine’s is only a few days away and I have nothing to wear? What about the day before, or the day after? Will I have something to wear tomorrow?
Oh, wait, wait, I have nothing Valentine’s appropriate to wear… phew, that was close!
However, whoever made this ad deserves to meet me in person… I’ll be gentle, I promise… I just have one thought for the person – look up fashion. In a dictionary. Please. Do.

But curious as I am (and yes, I am aware that the curiosity has killed the cat, but that’s not a problem at all, since I am not a cat), I had to google that catchy phrase – valentine’s fashion.
To my surprise, many people have given this a lot of thought, not only that, but they are taking this thing very seriously! Dear readers, there are articles written on this subject, there are pictures, there are fashion shows, and they really mean it! It’s not sarcastic. It’s très serious business! There is a whole industry behind the Valentine’s day fashion. Which brings me to the sad fact of the whole industry behind Valentine’s day itself.

First, let me disappoint you before you start with the whole “she’s single and miserable so she hates the rest of us happy people” – I happen to be very much in a relationship and in love, and yet, not very fond of heart shaped objects and red satin sheets.

It’s not even that I despise commercialization of “love”, because I do not blame Hallmark for that one, it’s way more complicated than that. I just frown upon the idea that someone else has to point you in a certain direction and tell you, “hey today is a day to tell someone you love ‘em… and dress badly”. I mean, I can dress badly every day… oh and love someone as well.

So what are the fashions of Valentine’s? And I am not talking clothes here, I am talking customs and meanings. Values. What does it really mean? Why is it so important to wear cheap polyester on that day? Why would you buy someone a stuffed animal on that particular day, take them out to dinner, buy flowers? Give a BJ? On one day in a year? Only one day!
I want magic every day and will not accept the notion that Valentine’s is something special and meaningful, because every day should be so.
As far as cheap red polyester undies go, I will never accept them, no matter what day, not even under a death threat.

Valentine’s fashion, just like everything else that was made solely for the purpose of high profits looks ridiculous. Basically, it consists of red and pink past season stuff that is still left somewhere at some stockroom and is just taking space. It’s over the top. I’m not quite sure is it for people who are trying to look sexy, lusty or just plain cheap. Don’t forget, it is, in fact, always quite expensive to look that cheap.
And not everyone can do it… you need special certain skills to combine leopard with zebra prints and red lace. Challenge people! Challenge!

My point is, I do not understand why now, with all other pressure that comes with a Valentine’s Day, we also need to dress accordingly? Accordingly being red, pink satin, lace or polyester… Look up style. Look up dictionary first.
I find it that every day with a person I love is special and romantic, no matter how we’re dressed, well, especially when we’re undressed…
Hmmm, happy Valentine’s? :)

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Are models dumb?

Sure they are. Plain and simple. I know it's not politically correct, but I've never cared much about political correctness anyway.
Maybe it’s not even fashion related per se, but I had this in me so long, I just had to put it on “paper”. Great thing about blogging is that you can write all kind of crap and someone will still read it. Thank God, unlike most fashion bloggers, I can actually write well, and… I am completely and utterly mean.

I’ve met many of this beautiful species – the models, used to did some modeling myself. Quit when I realized that I don’t exactly get a hard on every time I see my pictures in magazines, so I figured – it’s not for me.
But being involved in this most difficult job on Earth, I’ve been meeting models here and there, boys and girls (sometimes I couldn’t even tell the difference).
Some of them were capable of putting together a simple sentence; some were even able to read. Some have evolved into bloggers (the most pathetic species of all), fashion bloggers to be correct. It’s easy to recognize their blogs – lots of pictures, not so much text, and even whatever’s written, if it’s not Paulo Coelho quote, it’s on the maturity level of a first grader. With no offense meant to first graders, Coelho is whole another story.

Why do I think models are dumb? Because they don’t care much about things of this world. They live in a completely different universe that revolves around completely different values than those known to mortals. No seriously. It’s not only a stereotype. They do not know things, they just giggle.
They don’t bother to know things about general culture or general anything… most of them do know that there are hungry children in Africa, that Paris is in France and that drugs are bad, but other than that, there is nothing but a big grey area…
And it does not matter! They can get away with it! Why? Because they are ridiculously beautiful! That’s all you need nowadays.
Who cares about recession, inflation, globalization and other –ions when you live in a beautiful world of beautiful people with no morals?
They never had to try to fit it; they were accepted immediately wherever they would go. We’re only humans; we are all mesmerized (and fooled) by physical beauty. Personality who? Don’t get me wrong, beauty – it’s a wonderful thing, but there are whole worlds where it seems not to be enough after all. Thank God, this is not one of those worlds, or at least that’s the impression you may get as a pragmatic observer.

Drugs, sex, liquor, magazine covers, money and house music, that’s all there is to this world. Getting insanely drunk or high, and having sex with random strangers, day after day, night after night.
If you’re not a beautiful model and want to lead this kind of life, you have two other options… One – you can be a writer, but you need to be drunk all the time and suffer from a chronic writer’s block. Actually writing something and publishing it would ruin your entire image. So don’t even try. Just get high and go f*** a model with daddy issues.
Second option is simple and predictable, you need to be rich. Filthy rich if possible, but even just rich will suffice. Models can’t tell difference from six to nine zeros anyway.
And there you go! You’re suddenly with the hip, the cool, you’re it!

Fashion is one of the shallowest industries in the world. I never thought that being a lazy ass, pretty, rich, and sleeping around with random strangers seven days a week were much of human values I wanted for me or my offspring… but then I discovered this world beyond fashion, where those values are the right ones. It’s like stepping through a magic mirror into a world where everything is easy, beautiful, upside down, and wrong. And it’s tempting, very tempting. It is very simple to go there, yet not so easy to find your way back.